Here's to Caffeine

Due to a terrible decision, or a lack of thinking, I put regular espresso in my coffee earlier this night. So yes, I am still awake. Regretfully suffering the consequence of not using decaf. The caffeine is starting to ware off but nonetheless I am up blogging way too late for my sleepy self. Maybe there's a reason to my shenanigans, because I feel the need to share whats been weighing on my for a what I feel has been a really long time now. In all honesty, I am to the point where I just ignore it. So here it goes.. I have been feeling lonely. Which is contradicting since I have been constantly busy. School, leading, coaching, working.. you get the point.. the list seems to never end. I am not trying to convey the point of "woe me, my life is tough."What I'm saying, or rather feeling lately, is that I have been so preoccupied in doing stuff that my relationships with friends has really taken the back burner. I don't like that feeling one bit. It is a scary place to feel alone. Maybe its uncomfortable and tough to feel alone because we are not designed to be alone. We are wired and designed to be relational. I think the Lord is really working at this in my life. High school was a time where I surrounded myself constantly with people. 

And this is where my past ties in.

Theres no way I could sit here and say I did not love the friendships I had in high school. Because I truly do. I met some of the most amazing group of girls that I called my best friends during that time. They practically molded me as person during my early teenage years. They shared their hearts with me. We have memories that I will hope to never forget. But the one thing that weighs on my heart is that I did not get to share with them who Jesus is to me now. See, during those years Jesus was my savior not my Lord. I knew who he was, or had the general idea, but never thought to follow Him and live out His plan for my life. I'm going to be vulnerable as I say this, but I truly believe the reason I am not close with many of my friends back in high school is because I did not share with them the one person who was, who is, and always will be constant in my life- Jesus. I don't regret it. No, because I know the Lord is working, and in our patience His plan will prevail. I hope my friends will hear about how much they are loved by the God who created them. I cannot wait to see what He has planned for them. Because its going to be good. So good. Gosh, just thinking about where the Lord has brought me now and the friends He has truly hand-picked and surrounded me with.. I just cant help but be excited to see how these relationships will grow. I am grateful for each and everyone of you and how you share your life with me. Even though we may not always see each other very often, I am grateful. Keep being with Jesus because it's contagious. So, no, I am not alone. This world may feed us lies to believe we are, but I know that is far from true. Relationships are a gift. I don't want to ever take advantage of that. It is precious and so life-giving. 

Where I'm At

I'm not sure where I should pick back up since the last time I blogged was in June, so I will leave it at that. However, during that period of time I have grown, a lot. 

It is amazing to say I have finally learned what it means to know and have peace in life. Now I may not have it all together all the time, but that is not what it means to have peace anyways. It's the simpleness of being content in knowing Jesus is it. Resting in Him is peace. Its contagious. It is something I have struggled with for the longest time. My emotions created a war against myself and others. In fact, I have been a hot mess for the past year. I think my boyfriend could agree that I have been a little unstable. I would flare in anger or I was constantly disappointed. I hardly would cry, but if I did it was because I was overwhelmed. The problem is I was so fixed on me. Everything affected me. I lived in this lonely and suffocating bubble where I was focused on how others could please me. We arn't called to live like that though.. and I see why now. My relationships were hindered and bruised. I was hurting the ones who love me most. 

We don't have to live that way though, and that is freeing in itself. The spirt of Jesus lives within me. By his spirit I have the spirit of peace already. I never understood this. I always thought I had to strive to achieve the "fruits of the spirit" which are love, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (Galatians 5:22). But nope, I was wrong. All these fruits are what Jesus is. So the more I am fixed on Jesus and being with Him, I will start to display these things. Its amazing. It's times like these where I am blown away by how real He is. Like theres no doubt in my mind He's alive and moving because of the way He has changed my life and how different I am. Even being around people who are in Jesus you can tell there is something different about them. They are encouraging. And best of all, they make me want to spend more time with Jesus. It's attractive. My greatest hope is that people will see me and they will see Jesus and crave Him. Not for my sake or glory but for His. It makes me so thankful for my friends and their hearts. They are real and genuine. They encourage me and call me out on my BS. And they make me want to spend time with Him. 

Feels good to blog again. There's a short snippet of my heart. Enjoy.